KitchenSnark

Christina Aguilera Separates From Husband – C’mon, if a blanca latina diva and a Jewy producer can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have?  Did her god-awful Sex for Breakfast song ruin lox for him?  I really thought this producer-singer relationship was going to work out differently than Tommy Mottola & Mariah Carey and Berry Gordy & Diana Ross.  Maybe this will inspire a sequel to Dreamgirls (Dirrtygirls?) as the original was severely lacking in assless chaps.

(Interesting note:  Is it me or does her song ‘I Hate Boys‘ sound eerily like the intro to Gary Glitter’s stadium-friendly Rock & Roll Part II?  It would be even eerier if she titled it ‘I Like 14-Year Old Girls‘.

Jake Gyllenhaal Loses The Beard - Reese looks so happy!

Zoolander 2 Releasing in 2012 - Interesting.  I know many of you are thinking, “The first Zoolander was kind of funny but usually sequels are lame and less funny.”  Don’t fret for I’ll have you know that Mr. Stiller’s “Night at the Museum – Battle of the Smithsonian” was just as funny as the original.

Top Gun 2 Is In Talks – Speaking of beards and sequels, a Top Gun sequel is reportedly in the works.  I’m anxious to see whether Maverick and Charlie were able to keep that lovin’ feeling after her makeover.  While I’ve yet to be contacted to write the script, I’ll generously throw out an idea for the writers and producers.

Much like the successful Dirty Dancing sequel, I’d set it in another country.  Let’s say Israel.  Young, cocky fighter pilot ‘Maccabee’ is being sent on a secret mission to Iran to blow up a nuclear reactor.  But he has too much chutzpah.  Can the love of a strong-minded instructor named Esther help him find his inner mensch?  Will a romance blossom between the two of them after he serenades her with a medley from Fiddler on the Roof? (She thinks…”A fighter pilot – you could do worse”)  Can Maccabee get over the tragic death of his wingman Golem?  Can he earn the respect of rivals DiamondMan and Challahbread?  Can a chief instructor played by Tom Cruise convince Maccabee to ignore post-partner depression by teaching him Scientology tenets spiked with bursts of maniacal laughter?

Want more?  Hey Jerry Bruckheimer – you know how to reach me…

Gavin Rossdale Wasn’t Always Into Bush - Gavin Rossdale admitted to having a ‘gay fling‘ prior to being with Gwen Stefani and Courtney Love is purporting that she had an affair with him.  Apologies for being un-PC but this is disgusting – how could Gavin Rossdale commit such a sin against nature as having sex with Courtney Love?!  And why is it that all of Courtney’s Lovers are into injections?

Saturday Night Live – This is a message in a bloggle for the writers of Saturday Night Live.  Enough with lame talk show and game show parodies.  There’s nothing left to parody on talk shows and no one watches game shows any more.  Yet they’re three episodes in and they’ve managed three talk show sketches (one, two, three) and two game shows (one, two).  If you can’t write enough decent skits for 90 minutes, just make the show an hour.

On the less snarky side, here’s a so-so list from TV Squad on top SNL skits (off the top of my head:  it’s light on Phil Hartman sketches like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and Colon Blow, missing TV Funhouse, and those Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz loser sketches – wish I could find the one online where Lovitz says “And my eyebrows come together in the MOST unappealing way).

And below is an impressive gaggle of impressions by new SNL member Jay Pharoah.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette Are Separated – While Arquette is desperately seeking someone who’ll have sex with him, the paparazzi are hoping Courteney Cox can throw them a bone by sparking a romance with Jack Black or producer David Zucker so they don’t have to crap out a stupid portmanteau like Brangelina or TomKat.

Snooki, Housewives of New Jersey Satirized on South Park – In case you missed the New Jersey episode of South Park, here’s a clip of Snooki terrorizing some of the helpless boys of South Park.  A bit harsh on Snooki – humping little boys and gorilla juiceheads have nothing in common….well, except for the repulsiveness and the small testicles.

Dane Cook’s Half-Brother Embezzled Millions From Him – Shocker!  This story saddens me.  How has Dane Cook made millions?  Dane Cook is to funny what Dame Edna is to sexy.

Al Pacino To Play Phil Spector in HBO Film By David Mamet -  This is awesome in so many ways.  Al Pacino playing Phil Spector?  Hoo-ha!  There go any worries that the portrayal of Phil Spector will have those character subtleties that make biopics less enjoyable.  Add that to hearing Phil Spector talk in Mamet-speak and you’re golden:

Production Assistant:  What’s your name?

Phil:  Fuck you.  That’s my  name.  I produced ‘Be My Baby’.  Suck my d**k.

Production Assistant:  Okay, can you at least answer me why we need 11 xylophonists for this track?

Phil:  You ask me why I need 11 xylophonists?  Who the f**k are you to ask me about the appropriate number of xylophonists?  I created the goddamn Wall of Sound.  The Wall of F***in’ Sound!  I should threaten you with my gun but homicidal threats are only for singers and second-rate actresses!

Katherine Heigl In Bikini Questioned By Cops - Her neighbor yelled at her while she was in an outdoor hot tub with her husband.   Cops were called.  Here’s the boring video.  My guess is the neighbor was pissed that the ex- Grey’s Anatomy star didn’t invite a second girl into the tub (NSFW).

Sylvester Stallone’s Mom Is Judge Dreddful - It’s morbidly enjoyable to review the before/after for those who end up with bad plastic surgery.  It’s like watching an abridged morality play where the sinner gets their comeuppance.  But there’s a harshness to it as well.  By yada yada-ing over a lot of little decisions made – probably many of which are defensible – this fact reduction sucks out any potential empathy and compassion for the patient.

For instance, look at Jackie Stallone (I dare you!).  Her maiden name is Labofish.  You think it’s easy growing up with such a vaginal surname?  Tell that to my childhood friend Debbie Clitoriwitz.  Like many traumatized youths of the era, she ran away at 16 to try and join the circus.  While supporting herself by wrestling, she marries Frank Stallone Sr. and gives birth to Frank Jr. and Sylvester.  She starts up a ladies-only gym and co-launches the spectacular G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling).  Later, she becomes a world-renowned astrologist and founds a psychic hotline.

Then, one day when her psychic accuracy was in a lull, she decides to visit a plastic surgeon.  Perhaps she asked Sly if he had a ‘friend’ who could recommend one?  She goes to the office and the plastic surgeon’s assistant pulls out a book, asking Jackie to pick a face.  She looks under redheads and sees Sophia Loren and thinks that’s who I want.  Who can blame her?  Sophia Loren’s a beautiful lady.

But a data entry error leads to the plastic surgeon believing she wanted the next redhead down which is ‘Carrot Top’.  The surgeon is just doing his job.  Jackie Stallone is just an innocent victim.  (P.S. the one on the left is Jackie Stallone, the one on the right is Carrot Top)

Bet all of you who mocked Jackie Stallone and/or her plastic surgeon’s work would feel awfully guilty right now if I hadn’t made all that up.